Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Fourth

This is the fourth time I am writing this.

So what is ‘this’? ‘This’ is actually nothing. It is an imaginary thought, a vision, a dream. Could it happen? I am not sure. But I want it to. I don’t know what I would do if it happened, but I think I would want to see what I would do. It would be the fourth time it will happen. But not the fourth time for me. For me, it will be a first. And first times are scary. Think about all your ‘first times’. Not as in looking back, but as in that very moment when it was happening or about to happen and you did not know what would happen after it. How things would turn out.

This is the fourth time I am thinking about this.


25 comments:

mermaid said...

I have come to the conclusion that every time I am both terrified and excited for something to happen, it is almost always an issue of self-trust.

We all have different ways of talking ourselves into or out of something. Let your instinct shine without any darkness. Fear is natural. Let yourself feel it, but don't judge it. It is there to make you aware.

Peace, August.

Paul said...

I only read that once, although for a moment I did think of reading it again. Now I'm thinking I should have read it again, and wondering what you might think of my not having done so. So I'm having second thoughts. Or third.

Maybe I'll just go and insert that old Carly Simon CD that has "Anticipation" on it.

Lorena said...

(great advice mermaid :)
interesting post. i have many 'first times' awaiting me and i also think of how scary it will be. i do a lot of thinking of it as well. a lot of analyzing.

i find that what i resist always brings me the most happiness.

Miss Qt said...

I'm usually scared of first times (not sex though, but that's nother topic!) because it means a change and changes kinda scare me. Weird, huh?

gulnaz said...

you made me feel the butterflies in my stomach with that!!
every time is the first time when its from the heart.
you write with such honesty...perhaps that is why i like your writings.
btw, those 'butterflies' are terrible and delicious both at the same time.
most times one just has to go on with the task at hand, too much thinking about it only exacerbates the anxiety.

gulnaz said...

wanted to add, that there is a particular kind of nervousness which is 3 1/2parts torture and 1/2 part pleasure and it usually bodes well.
if no tension, then i'm not so sure it will go well.

Rahul said...

First times are definitely scary, at the same time there is this little excitement about it which scores over the fear and you go through.

DeeM said...

I agree with Gulnaz, you do write with such honesty. And you defintely make me think. A unique and thought provoking piece.

Karen said...

Do you want "this" to happen - If so I'd give it more thought - OMG now I'm confusing myself :-)

Billy said...

my first times are always filled with the underlying dread of endings.......

sal said...

I'm tired of thinking all the bloody time. Oops. Sorry, mind my language?

Oh, and i think it's my fourth time posting a comment on your blog. I might be wrong.. hmm.

I like reading you. Keep it going.

jonny ragel said...

fourth time's a charm. or is that first time's a charm? actually- it's neither. heh. I suppose I'll wait till your third time then re-write all that. I'll be waiting.

*intensely patient stare/hands hovering above keyboard*

luz de la luna said...

My first time in a long time posting here or blogging. Who can untangle the endings from the beginnings? Everything is a jump, but it's not so hard, if we spread our wings and don't look down.

Wishes...
:: LA LUNA ::

Bonatellis said...

goshhh ... I didn't know Latin was still the preferred language on Indian blogs :)

did i pour water ???

small squirrel said...

first times.. yes.. there is a certain danger in them.. if given too much time to think about them, you can wind yourself up to impossible heights.. the reality cannot live up to the dream.. but that never stops us on the offchance, does it? and oh, when it *does* match up.. all that tension, all that expectation.. I think gulnaz used the word 'delicious'... perfect word choice..

am waiting for my own firsts, all about to happen so soon.. am terrified and crawling out of my own skin.. in a good way.. only time will tell.. hope you have happy thoughts to look back on as well

transience said...

ah, i loved every word of this. the hints. the suggestions. the undertones.

. : A : . said...

mermaid - Thanks for sharing your perspective. Interesting observation on the self-trust bit.

Paul - :-) Read it as many time as you (don't) want to. I don't judge by the number of times you read it.

Lorena - We tend to over-think many things in life and then resist them. "i find that what i resist always brings me the most happiness." I found this very interesting.

Miss Qt - Not wierd. Change is sacry a lot of the time!

gulnaz - Agree that one should not think too much about it and just go with the flow. And yes, sometimes the tension is needed.

Rahul - Good observation.

DeeM - Thanks. Good to know that I can trigger some thoughts.

Karen - I don't know? :-)

Billy - "the underlying dread of endings" Hmmm. Like the ring to that phrase.

the woman - Thanks. You are well past your fourth comment! :-)

johnny crash - Your turn!

luz de la luna - Good to have you back.

Bonatellis - Care to elaborate?

small squirrel - Sometimes we do set up expectations too high and they are bound not to be met then. Hope your 'firsts' turn out the way you want them to. And happy 'first' birthday too!

transience - Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.

Bonatellis said...

ummmm, what I meant was that I read the blog four times but still couldn't decipher it ...

now, its your turn to elaborate ....

. : A : . said...

Bonatellis - Hhhmmm. Okay, read the perspectives in the comments above then. ;-)

Brood Mode said...

So what is ‘this’? ‘This’ is actually nothing. It is an imaginary thought, a vision, a dream.

For me this train of thought always ends in

...maybe 'This' is life itself?

. : A : . said...

Brood Mode - It could be.

musafir said...

"And first times are scary" - so very true! Especially when you have nothing to go with, and you sort of feel 'This' could be 'it' :). But then that's how one lives!

Well written!

. : A : . said...

musafir - Yes, exactly.

patina said...

there is a push and a pull in the words you choose. diverse actions. it sets up conflict. or maybe not sets it up, maybe it gingerly expresses the common wax/wane ponderances people roll through all their live long days.

. : A : . said...

patina - Thanks for your perspective on this post!